we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
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He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
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he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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