Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
