it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
