i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
