I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
