The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
