im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
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