Apparently you make a good broom.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
