I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
