Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
