1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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