mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I believe in your delicious
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
