She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
