Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
