every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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