Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
