sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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