Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
cat food counts as protein by the way
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
