The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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