dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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