I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
