Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
