Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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