Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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