The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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