Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
