I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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