I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
