Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
