Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
