Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
