Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
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Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
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He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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