I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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