you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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