My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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