Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
