my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Let's paint friendship bongs
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
