New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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