To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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