i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
