i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
