I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
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You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
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So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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