Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
