fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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