I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I just found puke in my bra..
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
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it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
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I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
They have beer where we have blood.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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