If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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