I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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