we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
My ATM looks so different sober.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
