just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
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