he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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