Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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