areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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