Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."