What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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