If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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