So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
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We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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