I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The power of my boobs compel you
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
