If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
